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Post by flame923 on Sept 4, 2018 20:15:40 GMT
What is your biggest struggle with loving yourself?
Growing up, you are taught that life follows a certain plan. You're born, you grow up and go
to school, college, get a good job, earn money, get married, have children, retire, and die
in old age. Add in the things and values you learn from your parents that are part of the plan:
church, vacations, church camp, girl scouts, visiting family yearly, socializing, having friends
and groups over, wife stays home after marriage or when kids are born, etc...
That's how I was taught my life was to go. And while I have ticked off some of those boxes, my
life has not followed the above plan. I've missed some of the biggies like marriage and children.
What I struggle with is coming to terms with the way my life has gone, the fact that I made my
own way and I struggle with overcoming beliefs that it is not ok.
But, I am working on it. In the last year, a church friend (B.) and I read The Purpose Driven Life
and discovered I am okay on my path. I just need to remind myself, and believe that.
How about you???
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Post by Hercules on Sept 5, 2018 8:46:56 GMT
Hi Flame,
I am not married but have been married. And have had a long term relationship before that. I console myself that while I am not in love, and never will be again, at least I have known love and wouldn't trade those memories.
I think you have a sparkling personality and am very happy to have you as an online friend. I can remember some 7 years ago when you and I used to use MT every day that I came home from work and I told you that I considered us to be friends and you responded in the affirmative and I felt very happy. I remember checking the thread every so often until you replied LOL.
I think we all have to live with dissapointments - one thing we can't do is blame is decisions we have made at certain crossroads because if things are meant to be then you get another chance.
One of my living regrets is that I turned down a chance to represent my city in cricket for my age group. I wanted to study for my exams instead. I could have been a good player and doors could have been opened for me.
Finally I put that to bed just last week when watching the news. There is a NZ rugby player called Jack Goodhue. And he was selected for Auckland under 18s and he turned them down to study. But two years later he was doing so well in club rugby that they called him up to play provincially anyway and he got a second chance.
If I had've been good enough at cricket I could have gotten a second chance. And one of my reasons why I turned down my chance was that I knew I wasn't destined for great things anyway. And that proved to be accurate.
Life does give second chances if things are meant to be.
There is another book by Rick Warren called conversations with God. And he believes that every book and song or TV show you watch has messages from god. And I like that thought. Remember I finally found freedom from regretting my decision 30 years ago by watching a news article about jack goodhue. That was a message from God.
"What I struggle with is coming to terms with the way my life has gone, the fact that I made my
own way and I struggle with overcoming beliefs that it is not ok. "
Can you break this sentence down for me - I understand the first part "I struggle with coming to terms with the way my life has gone"
I don't understand this "the fact that I made my own way and I struggle with overcoming beleifs that it is not ok".
What is not ok, the fact you made your own way?
How does making your own way tie into things?
Have you made some unconventional choices that were dissaproved of by your family?
Anyway back to me -
My life has been hard as well Flame - I had a psychosis during an MBA and had to pull out. I went back to my work place where everyone wondered why I had pulled out. And I just refused to lie or use an excuse. What that gained me by not lieing I don't know. I should have lied.
I lost every ounce of my pride and self esteem.
Then foolishly I went back to the same school on my doctors advice seeing as I was on medication and she said that would stop me from breaking down. But I did break down. My friend and i recently agreed that my first break down was good because it helped me become a christian. My second breakdown was just painful because I hadn't learned the lesson that an MBA wasn't for me so I had to be punished twice as harshly from life. I have to accept accountability for making a bad decision for going back to the same school when it was well documented if you put yourself into the same circumstances you will break down again. At the same time something good did come out of my second breakdown. My career took off because I came back to my old country and had a bit of luck. Secondly I was reunited here with my mother. And she is pleased with that.
For every path you take as bad as it may obstensibly appear some unique good things happen.
By being you Flame you have come in touch with me, for what that is worth, Chelle, David, and all the members of this web site and all of us speak the words of god when we share our hard fought wisdom with each other.
Kia Kaha Flame I look forward to tomorrow's instalment.
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Post by Sketcher2 on Sept 9, 2018 5:02:16 GMT
My biggest struggle with loving myself is that I am not that lovable. I can see clearly that I am selfish and think of myself more than my family members. I want to change but my negative symptoms make me appear very lazy and non-lovable. I know I have good traits too such as a good listener, a good friend and patience and appreciation for others, but sometime I just don't have the move all to do things around the house to help out. I wash the dishes and put away the dishes in the morning when I am the only one awake but when my family is there, I will not volunteer to do much. Some of the time I will hang out the wash to dry and fold laundry but this is very little compare to all the chores that they do.
It is a good thing that I never fell in love with anyone for how can a marriage last when I can't contribute to the relationship in any way.
I have friction with my brother and he hates my behavior so much sometimes it feels like he hates me too.
Now with my mom's caner diagnosis, I am so afraid of being put into a group home when she passes on. It was so sad for me when I used to live in a group home.
I try my best to be honest here with you all since you are not in my day to day life. But most of my friends don't know this lazy side of me.
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Post by flame923 on Sept 11, 2018 8:19:36 GMT
Herc said: I am not married but have been married. And have had a long term relationship before that.
I console myself that while I am not in love, and never will be again, at least I have known love and wouldn't
trade those memories.
My question for you H, is why don't you think you will ever be in love again?
Herc said: I think you have a sparkling personality and am very happy to have you as an online friend. I can
remember some 7 years ago when you and I used to use MT every day that I came home from work and I told
you that I considered us to be friends and you responded in the affirmative and I felt very happy. I remember
checking the thread every so often until you replied LOL.
I hope this still holds true, and you still consider me a friend. Seems like we started MT within a couple
of months of each other, me in February 2009. And I did the same thing, checking and rechecking if you
had replied. Especially when you started the photo association game. That was fun, funny, and sometimes
a bit weird. Loved it.
Herc said: Can you break this sentence down for me - I understand the first part "I struggle with coming to terms with
the way my life has gone"
I don't understand this "the fact that I made my own way and I struggle with overcoming beleifs that it is not ok".
What is not ok, the fact you made your own way?
How does making your own way tie into things?
Have you made some unconventional choices that were dissaproved of by your family?
The part that is not ok perhaps is the way I stubbornly forged my own path, not marrying 2 men who
proposed, a big city girl studying agriculture and animal science in college, not dating much, not
being social enough. Other than being with 1 or 2 close friends, I am happy to be by myself. These are
things I felt disappointed my parents.
Herc said: One of my living regrets is that I turned down a chance to represent my city in cricket for my age
group. I wanted to study for my exams instead. I could have been a good player and doors could have been
opened for me.
That is commendable that you chose studying over a chance at playing cricket for your city, and
quite astute of you to realize that perhaps it wasn't in your destiny. Good play Herc.
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Post by flame923 on Sept 11, 2018 8:57:49 GMT
My biggest struggle with loving myself is that I am not that lovable. I can see clearly that I am selfish and think of myself more than my family members. I want to change but my negative symptoms make me appear very lazy and non-lovable. I know I have good traits too such as a good listener, a good friend and patience and appreciation for others, but sometime I just don't have the move all to do things around the house to help out. I wash the dishes and put away the dishes in the morning when I am the only one awake but when my family is there, I will not volunteer to do much. Some of the time I will hang out the wash to dry and fold laundry but this is very little compare to all the chores that they do. It is a good thing that I never fell in love with anyone for how can a marriage last when I can't contribute to the relationship in any way. I have friction with my brother and he hates my behavior so much sometimes it feels like he hates me too. Now with my mom's caner diagnosis, I am so afraid of being put into a group home when she passes on. It was so sad for me when I used to live in a group home. I try my best to be honest here with you all since you are not in my day to day life. But most of my friends don't know this lazy side of me.
The laziness, and the lack of motivation, are both symptoms of our mental illness, as well as made worse
by our illness.
Seems to me that you are doing what you are able to do. Plus, considering all that you offer: 'being a good
listener, good friend, having patience and appreciation for others', shows me that you are providing purpose
and support to others, and that is valuable. In my book, you are lovable. You as well as most every person on
earth has faults.
As far as the friction you have with your brother, it is similar to the disdain my sister has for me. She hates
that I have a hard time making decisions, any decisions. And after years of her mostly calling me on the phone,
she seems to be determined now, to not call me first, unless she is returning my call.
Seriously, she will not call me.Not even last year during or after the hurricane, not even to see if I was okay or not.
She won't even come and see me. She says I am off the beaten path. I am within 20 minutes of the highway, and am
between where she lives 2 hrs north of me, and her son who is 45 minutes south of me. She hates my lack of motivation,
procrastination, and all the other mental illness behaviors.
So, I just try to stay on top of calling her, or emailing her, and stuff like that. Are there any little things you can do
like that for your brother? Maybe one of your handmade cards with a beautiful sentiment in it that resonates with
the two of you? Does he understand your illness? Maybe bake him a favorite pie or cake? Just some thoughts. |
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Post by Hercules on Sept 12, 2018 9:31:24 GMT
Herc said: I am not married but have been married. And have had a long term relationship before that.
I console myself that while I am not in love, and never will be again, at least I have known love and wouldn't
trade those memories.
My question for you H, is why don't you think you will ever be in love again?
I have made quite a bit of effort. It won't be for lack of trying. I joined ok cupid for three years and wasn't interested in anyone who was interested in me. Then I changed my profile away from "successful business man in forties" to my true nature, I made plenty of jokes and mentioned I had two degrees etc...not a single like in two years, in contrast the business person description of me got 15 likes/smiles. But all from incredibly boring ladies At work I have asked out 5 ladies over the past ten years and they all said no I have lunch next week with a female colleague who likes me but I don't know why she likes me as I don't see anything in common with her. Lastly, the ladies in this city are weird I see very few that attract me. Everytime I see a couple I think why is he dating her and how welll she did for herself to catch the guy she is with. I read your answer with interest - I expect that you turned down the two marriage offers because you wren't in love with the guys? What was your reason(s)? |
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Post by Hercules on Sept 12, 2018 20:35:39 GMT
Yes we are friends by the way !
We have a few things in common I have spotted over the years
Positive attitude
Discernment
Sense of humour
Like the same threads ( eg picture association)
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Post by Hercules on Sept 14, 2018 7:47:59 GMT
I read your answer with interest - I expect that you turned down the two marriage offers because you wren't in love with the guys? What was your reason(s)? Only answer if you want to and forgive me if this was intrusive. |
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Post by Sketcher2 on Sept 14, 2018 12:31:53 GMT
Hi flame,
I am sorry to hear about the disdain from your sister. I cannot think of anyway to mend things with my brother unless I do more chores around the house. He doesn't really understand that is related to a negative symptom because he sees me a totally capable of doing these things. And to top it off, my pdoc doesn't even acknowledge my questions about negative symptoms. I don't think people really understand it because they cannot see anything physically wrong with you to keep you from these tasks.
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Post by flame923 on Sept 14, 2018 16:23:06 GMT
Herc said:
I read your answer with interest - I expect that you turned down the two marriage offers because
you wren't in love with the guys? What was your reason(s)?
You are right Herc, I wasn't in love with them. The first, (M), was in my Studyhall class my senior year of Highschool.
He was quirky, funny, a nerd, very smart, but very cynical. We didn't date or anything until after highschool. He was a year
younger than me, and at the time we met, I was dating someone else. He did come and watch me graduate, and it turned
out we each knew a few of the same friends. Unfortunately, there was an 'All Night Party' after graduation, and I went
to it with my then boyfriend. My joy for said boyfriend, had been fading for awhile. We broke up shortly after graduation.
M heard I had broken up with my bf from our mutual friends, and called me for a date. We dated the rest of that summer,
and then, anytime I was home from college (2-3 hrs away). The following spring, M was looking into college, and he asked me
if he should go to college near me. Although I would've enjoyed him being at my college, I told him no because he was so smart,
that my college would not have done him justice. He could've gone anywhere he wanted to. And I told him so. He finally decided
on a college 10+ hrs away. We still saw each other every break we could, and talked on the phone, and wrote letters. I still have
a pile of wonderful love letters from him.
The summer after he went to college, he proposed to me. Although, I was as close to loving him as I could be without being
completely in love with him, it still just seemed too soon for that kind of commitment. And I told him so. And we continued
dating. Slowing, the letters and calls became less frequent, and I knew something was up, but I also knew he was very busy
with hard double majors, and training. But, yes, the inevitable end was near. M had met someone at his college with very similar
majors, and she also was very smart, and they clicked. Down the road, they did marry.
I think of him now and then, and wonder what my life would be like if I had married him. But, I don't regret it. If he had been
The One for me, I would have known, or at least, I would've loved him like crazy!
The other guy, (R), I met one summer after college. We dated for less than a year. He was heading into the service
(Army or Marines) and he proposed. We hadn't dated that long, plus quite immature for his age. I was surprised, but not in love.
Short stories made long, I did not love them. And though I kept dating off and on, I was never proposed to again.
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Post by Hercules on Sept 15, 2018 1:15:44 GMT
Thanks for those stories. I am glad for you that while those examples did not pan out, that you have had romance and adventures to look back on.
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Post by aquaticsoul on Sept 29, 2018 0:28:55 GMT
Ola Flame.
Great thread (though i'm coming in a bit late).
Hardest thing about loving myself?
hmmm
I spent so many years hating myself and not feeling worthy, that I feel slightly sad that I wasted so much time with self loathing. Now, however, I love myself, and I'm fiercely protective over myself. I am however, my worst critic. That, is something that I can say I am not terribly fond of. I cannot tell sometimes when it's warranted or not, because i'm so used to beating myself up. It however gives me carte blanche on judgement on me, somehow, so that other people won't say bad things about me. Somehow I think I can control the criticism and then minimise the hurt.
I have however in the last few days realised that it's just another tool that I use in order to avoid painful confrontation that is sometimes needed in order to grow. I will say what the person has said anyway, because in my mind, if I say it first, it somehow takes away from the impact and I get to own it criticism. But honestly, I am a coward (although i take responsibility for all of my actions), I struggle to deal with negative feedback from people. I hope to improve on this behaviour.
Thank you again for this thread
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